When we go through hardship and tragedy, do we feel God's presence? Not always. We try to convince those around us that we can go through life on our own, that we're fine. But in reality, we feel hopeless. Why do we turn people away when we're in the darkness?
You know in scary or thriller movies where a character is in the dark and they conveniently have a match? They light the match and use is as a light to find their way. I don't know about you, but matches don't give off just an enormous amount of light. And they definitely don't last very long. I feel like all I've been doing is using up my matches, and my energy. Eventually, your box of matches is going to be gone. What do you do then?
Back in March I gave up after I ran out. Did I feel God's presence with me? Why wasn't He there? Where was He? I know the answers to all of those questions, that He was there the whole time; but I convinced myself He had abandoned me. So I overdosed. I took way more of my pain medication than I should have. Did I want everything to end? Yes. Was that the way to go? Absolutely not. I was indifferent at the moment. If I woke up, well okay then. If I didn't? Well, you know.
So here comes the not-so-fun part of this chapter. I couldn't believe what I had done! Why would I do something so stupid? I told my parents almost immediately after and we went to the ER. They asked a bunch of questions, took some blood, gave me fluids, and gave me charcoal. That was the worst part. They literally heated up charcoal and I had to drink it through a straw. As an Art major I use charcoal a lot. Never again will I look at charcoal the same...
I was originally going to go to a facility in Fort Worth for a medical detox to get off every narcotic. But because this happened, I went earlier than expected and got the help I needed while doing a medical detox. And let me say, I never want to go back to Mesa Springs or any treatment facility ever again. Let's just say it was...interesting. :P
But I have to say, I'm not who I used to be. My family likes to call it the "old old Jenae". The high school Jenae. The not sick Jenae. The Jenae who never stopped laughing. The Jenae that spent 80% of her time out of the house, rather than in it. The Jenae who was social outside of social networks. The carefree, outgoing, and extroverted Jenae. I want to be her again. More than anything.
While I was at Mesa Springs, I learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I realized how toxic some of my relationships were. Why would I want to expend my energy and time on someone who doesn't reciprocate that? I can't let those one-sided relationships stay in my life. They'll only bring me down farther into the water, until I just drown. It's exhausting trying to keep relationships with people that don't want to stay there. I also realized that I can't be that toxic friend in someone else's life. Sick Jenae wasn't a very good friend. I understand why some people would eventually give up on me. I probably would have done the same thing if I was in their shoes. Having a friend constantly reject invites? Not responding to texts or calls? It's exactly what I was saying earlier: friendships can't be one-sided. Granted, when I didn't feel good (which was a lot of the time) I really couldn't go anywhere. But that's no excuse to ignore those who are trying to keep a relationship with me. I look back and regret so much how I handled things. But now I know how to handle my condition and still maintain relationships and be social.
However, all of that is in the past. Things have changed so much since 2012. Now that I'm off of ALL narcotics, it feels amazing! My head is so much clearer, I have more energy, I actually like being around people, and I don't spend all my time inside my house! The pain medicine just clouded my brain. I was so dependent on that medicine. Now that I'm off of it, my pain has decreased significantly! It's incredible.
Now I am moving on...
In June I register for classes at Lubbock Christian, and in August I begin my new life. New surroundings, new people, new school, new me. I know a few people at LCU, and a couple at Tech, so it'll be nice to have people who I know there. I lived in Lubbock from six weeks old to seven years old, so it's not like I remember it. But I do know the LCU campus like the back of my hand (thank you Camp Champion, Encounter, and various random campus visits).
So I just want to say thank you for bearing with me the past couple months (and years). I feel so #blessed. Y'all are awesome. I am now a new person. I may still have Fibromyalgia and nerve damage and back problems, but I'M BACK BABY! And there is no way I'm turning back. I want to thank specifically a friend of mine who was very honest with me, and helped me realize some things. So thank you, Jaci. You are an amazing friend and sister, and I love you so much.
Hebrews 6:19, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."
He has stilled the storm to a whisper.
He has stilled the storm to a whisper.
Peace & Love,
Jenae
