The irony of charcoal

When we go through hardship and tragedy, do we feel God's presence? Not always. We try to convince those around us that we can go through life on our own, that we're fine. But in reality, we feel hopeless. Why do we turn people away when we're in the darkness?

You know in scary or thriller movies where a character is in the dark and they conveniently have a match? They light the match and use is as a light to find their way. I don't know about you, but matches don't give off just an enormous amount of light. And they definitely don't last very long. I feel like all I've been doing is using up my matches, and my energy. Eventually, your box of matches is going to be gone. What do you do then?

Back in March I gave up after I ran out. Did I feel God's presence with me? Why wasn't He there? Where was He? I know the answers to all of those questions, that He was there the whole time; but I convinced myself He had abandoned me. So I overdosed. I took way more of my pain medication than I should have. Did I want everything to end? Yes. Was that the way to go? Absolutely not. I was indifferent at the moment. If I woke up, well okay then. If I didn't? Well, you know.

So here comes the not-so-fun part of this chapter. I couldn't believe what I had done! Why would I do something so stupid? I told my parents almost immediately after and we went to the ER. They asked a bunch of questions, took some blood, gave me fluids, and gave me charcoal. That was the worst part. They literally heated up charcoal and I had to drink it through a straw. As an Art major I use charcoal a lot. Never again will I look at charcoal the same... 

I was originally going to go to a facility in Fort Worth for a medical detox to get off every narcotic. But because this happened, I went earlier than expected and got the help I needed while doing a medical detox. And let me say, I never want to go back to Mesa Springs or any treatment facility ever again. Let's just say it was...interesting. :P

But I have to say, I'm not who I used to be. My family likes to call it the "old old Jenae". The high school Jenae. The not sick Jenae. The Jenae who never stopped laughing. The Jenae that spent 80% of her time out of the house, rather than in it. The Jenae who was social outside of social networks. The carefree, outgoing, and extroverted Jenae. I want to be her again. More than anything.

While I was at Mesa Springs, I learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I realized how toxic some of my relationships were. Why would I want to expend my energy and time on someone who doesn't reciprocate that? I can't let those one-sided relationships stay in my life. They'll only bring me down farther into the water, until I just drown. It's exhausting trying to keep relationships with people that don't want to stay there. I also realized that I can't be that toxic friend in someone else's life. Sick Jenae wasn't a very good friend. I understand why some people would eventually give up on me. I probably would have done the same thing if I was in their shoes. Having a friend constantly reject invites? Not responding to texts or calls? It's exactly what I was saying earlier: friendships can't be one-sided. Granted, when I didn't feel good (which was a lot of the time) I really couldn't go anywhere. But that's no excuse to ignore those who are trying to keep a relationship with me. I look back and regret so much how I handled things. But now I know how to handle my condition and still maintain relationships and be social.

However, all of that is in the past. Things have changed so much since 2012. Now that I'm off of ALL narcotics, it feels amazing! My head is so much clearer, I have more energy, I actually like being around people, and I don't spend all my time inside my house! The pain medicine just clouded my brain. I was so dependent on that medicine. Now that I'm off of it, my pain has decreased significantly! It's incredible.

Now I am moving on...

In June I register for classes at Lubbock Christian, and in August I begin my new life. New surroundings, new people, new school, new me. I know a few people at LCU, and a couple at Tech, so it'll  be nice to have people who I know there. I lived in Lubbock from six weeks old to seven years old, so it's not like I remember it. But I do know the LCU campus like the back of my hand (thank you Camp Champion, Encounter, and various random campus visits). 

So I just want to say thank you for bearing with me the past couple months (and years). I feel so #blessed. Y'all are awesome. I am now a new person. I may still have Fibromyalgia and nerve damage and back problems, but I'M BACK BABY! And there is no way I'm turning back. I want to thank specifically a friend of mine who was very honest with me, and helped me realize some things. So thank you, Jaci. You are an amazing friend and sister, and I love you so much.

Hebrews 6:19, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

He has stilled the storm to a whisper.

Peace & Love,

Jenae

Romans 5:3

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

This video shows true character and sportsmanship. Senior Western Oregon outfielder Sara Tucholsky never thought she’d hit a homerun, and this was her last chance to do so. So when she swung and the ball soared over the back fence, she couldn’t believe her eyes. She made a break for first base, and the worst of the worst happened. As she rounded first, her foot didn't touch the plate. So she turned back, and her knee suddenly gave out. None of her teammates could touch her or help her get to home. So you won’t be surprised what happened next. Watch this video and think about what you would do in this situation. Would you sacrifice winning the game?

When I saw this video for the first time, I thought to myself, I honestly don't know if I would do what those girls did. When I played soccer, I saw players get hurt all the time (and 20% of the time I was that player). I was taught to take a knee and wait until the player got up to do anything. Because the sport is so different, there wouldn't really be a way to do something like this, because the coaches immediately run onto the field and we can't really help someone kick the ball into the goal. But there are plenty of ways to show character, and not just in a sport, in life.

How can you show character this week?

Peace & Love,
Jenae

It's really not cute when your dog pees in the middle of PetSmart.

So today I took Gus to PetSmart. I needed to get Allie a new collar, but I also got Gus one of those toys where you put a treat inside and they play with it and try to get the treat out (it's supposed to be stimulating for the brain and such, it keeps them busy), and I also found a Corgi calendar in the clearance section (Woo!).

But of course, Gus decides that his bladder is full and he needs to go to the bathroom. So instead of trying to tell me he has to go, which he normally does, he just goes. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF PETSMART. And I mean it wasn't like a little puddle. It was SOOOO embarrassing! As I'm cleaning it up, each person that walked by just says, "Awwwww! He is so precious!" or "Oh my word he is so cute." ...I'm like, Yeah that's because you're not cleaning up his pee!

He also met a couple dogs while we were there, and he had so much fun trying to get them to play with him! He's really only been around Willie and Allie, so I was a tad worried about how he would react around strange dogs. But he loves meeting new people AND new dogs!

This is his "I just peed in the middle of PetSmart but I'm too cute

for you to get mad at me" face. And it's true. It's so 

hard to be mad at him. Those darn puppy dog eyes...

 

Having Gus has been such a blessing. He really is like my therapy dog. He is so sweet, even with his sassy attitude, haha! I was very excited when I found the breeder, and it was definitely meant to be! We weren't even going to start really looking for a dog until February, and it was mid-January when I found Gus. I was also able to talk her down to a reasonable price (thankfully) and I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't made the decision to get Gus then, I wouldn't have found another Corgi very soon. (Apparently there aren't many Corgi breeders in this area of Texas...). I look forward to the many years that I'll spend with him! :)

So basically the lesson here is: 1) Make sure your dog doesn't need to go to the bathroom before you go walking around PetSmart. 2) Even though he does pee in the middle of the store, people will still think he is just the cutest thing ever. 3) As much as I hate to admit it, he IS still the cutest thing ever...

I love my Corgi. 

Peace & Love,

Jenae

Sharing is caring! Right?

Sometimes the greatest lessons that we learn are ones we learn by accident. We don't expect to have our lives impacted just by reading one little blog post.

I want to share a post written by my friend, Callie Houston. She talks about the hope we have in God and how we need to live for God every day of our lives. Please take the time to read her post, it will really change your perspective!

Click the link, read her blog, and share it on your Facebook, Twitter, whatever social network you may be on!

Sharing is Caring: God's Renewing Hope

Peace & Love,
Jenae

Joyous in suffering? Really?

Every year, during January, my church focuses on the family. This year we focused on building a home based on faith. My dad is the family minister, so he doesn't normally preach. But he did, and in one of his sermons he talked about trials. Specifically, he talked about the ones we as a family have been facing the past couple years. He used the verse James 1:2-3, which says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

He made one point that stuck out to me. How on earth are we supposed to be joyous in suffering?! I mean, it seems to me that that is asking a lot of us, right? It's natural as humans to be angry at our circumstances, even God. We wonder why He lets things, bad things, happen to us. And then he expects us to get back up? Every time?! How can we do that over and over? I have asked myself that all the time. Only one answer comes to mind: faith.

Without trials, without suffering and pain, we would have no need for faith. Without problems and trials, we would have no reason to trust in God. That's why we go through hard times. Not only does faith produce perseverance, but it produces STRENGTH.


Here are some verses that I turn to when I feel like I need strength:

1 Timothy 6:12, "Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

1 Corinthians 1:8, "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Isaiah 40:29, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Psalm 46:1, "God is our refuge in strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

When you feel you need strength, turn to scripture. Even if you have to Google 'verses about strength'! That's what I do!

Peace & Love,
Jenae

What's on the outside does matter...

...when there's hurt, and anger, bitterness, sadness, or depression on the inside.

I'm not talking about beauty. The cliche saying, "It doesn't matter what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that matters." or "You're beautiful on the inside, so it doesn't matter how you look." No, no, I'm not talking about that. That's a subject for another time.

What I'm talking about is the emotions on the inside. I've blogged about invisible illnesses before, and I could talk about them all day. People come up to me all the time and say, "You look so good! I'm glad you're feeling better!", when really, I just feel angry and bitter on the inside. I'm hurting, and I'm sad. But how could I answer everyone honestly? I can't be negative all the time, how on earth is that going to help me? Or anyone else?

But how are people to know how I'm really feeling? There are times when I would be at the ER, or admitted to the hospital, and people would say, "I didn't even know you had been feeling bad!". Well, that's the problem with invisible illnesses. You can't see them, and most likely the person who has it isn't going to show you. We don't want to ask for help. We don't want pity, or sympathy. We just want to be normal. More than anything in the world.

I miss living. I miss school. I miss my friends. I miss the sunshine. I miss getting bad grades. I miss having noisy neighbors in the dorm. I miss the dorm. I miss my life.

Basically what I'm trying to say is this: I've learned that what's on the outside does matter. You never know what kind of battle somebody is dealing with on the inside. Don't expect someone to be happy just because they have a smile on their face. Be compassionate, be considerate, and always remember to love everyone.

Peace & love,
Jenae

Getting a puppy is GREAT birth control.

Yes, the title is a bit weird. But the past two weeks that I have had Gus (my 8 week old Corgi puppy), I have learned a lot about being a "mom" (or, Corgmom, is what the Corgi Community calls it).

Example #1: Getting up at 3:00AM because he peed in his crate on his blanket and on himself. Well, that means giving him a bath (which he hates) at 3:00AM, taking out all his toys and making sure they aren't soiled, replacing the blanket, taking him outside to finish his business, and putting him back to bed even though he thinks it's playtime.

Example #2: Constantly watching him to make sure he doesn't use the bathroom inside. I HAVE A LIFE! And he doesn't listen to me, he just stands there and tries to pee all of it out before I can get to him (he seriously is very stubborn and aunry).

Example #3: Going back to example #2, I also have to watch and make sure he doesn't get into anything he isn't supposed to. Such as electrical cords, trash, shoes, laundry, basically anything he can chew.

Example #4: Going back to nighttime. To be honest, Gus has been really good at night ever since we got him. He *usually* sleeps until 5AM, then my mom comes and gets him when she wakes up. But the past couple nights, he decided that he doesn't want to do that. He wants to PLAY. No. No, no, no, no, NO. Not in the middle of the night. So lately I've been very paranoid that he's going to wake up and want to play. Which makes it hard to actually fall asleep because I'm constantly worried.

I LOVE Gus with all my heart. And I'm sure I will want kids eventually, after I've been married a couple years. But for now, I'll stick to having a puppy. He's stressful enough. Loveable, but stressful. :) I definitely am not ready to have kids ANYtime soon. Haha!

P.S. By the way, for those of you with puppies, there is an album on iTunes called "Puppy Music - Peaceful Songs for Dogs". And it just has like piano-esque, instrumental songs that are supposed to relax your puppy to go to sleep. So far, it actually has been effective! I guess relaxing music helps soothe puppies' brains? (I mean, it definitely relaxes me!)


Hope this could give you a laugh. Maybe even just a chuckle. :)

Peace & Love,
Jenae